"I guess it's not the way you always planned it

looks like you're heading for a crash landing
thats just the way it looks from where I'm standing"

I've been reading captivating for my bible study group.
Just finished an interesting chapter.
It talked about how the Lord WILL take away something precious to you if you find all of your comfort, all of your happiness, your compassion, and your salvation in it... I've heard that He is a jealous God, but I never thought of it like this I guess, if I am married and have lost the fact that He allowed me to find an incredible man who treats me so amazing, He will ruin it, to the breaking point if I don't turn things around, and I think that's why I don't have a boyfriend right now, and haven't for a while, I want one soo bad, but I am afraid that I want it so bad that I would be like, "Okay God thanks, see you later when I need something again." I don't want to do that! But I'm just afraid... I would, I just don't know. I like to believe God is my number one right now, and I hope that He always will be, but thinking about how I can so easily get so lost again (I don't even know if I am lost right now!) scares the hell out of me. All I know right now is that I need God, and only God. Stop tempting me with your insecurities, trying to bring mine out... I'm still soft right now, the ice is thin and I know I will easily fall through if someone pushed me. I'd rather not be surrounded by anyone if I'm only going to be surrounded by the wrong people.

I'm starting to like this boy who recently came back into my life... but I am AFRAID (shocker) that he still sees me as second best (to my sister) I don't know if I'll ever feel like I am as good as her, or good enough to some people... No one has ever treated me as good as this boy, and I don't want to lose him, but all I can do is ask God to fill me with all of Him, so that I do not go astray, yet again.

Isaiah 53:6
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

ZOMG there's cussing... [hardly]

Funerals aren't unpredicatable.
They're the furthest from it.
You don't get a pastor that tells you they don't know if the deceased is going to heaven or not.
But that is the very cold,
very hard,
truth.
Some people don't go to heaven.
The very cold,
the very hard truth.
Everyone knows it in the back of their minds... but its never something that is publicly spoken- it isn't something asked to the family.

Joseph Haeger- You can not say "bitch" at a young man's funeral, the old people don't like it.

A veiwing is never necesary,
you don't need to see the body of someone you love...
who doesn't look like the someone you love...
who isn't the someone you love.
Take me to any funeral and when the family gets up there my jaw is tight.
Dam the first tear as it leads the path for many more.

Rest in Peace Ryan Joseph Emery

RIP

Ryan, it was hard to be thankful for so many things yesterday when all I could think about was what your family and closer friends were going through.

You got me thinking about Candace, Chaney, and even Jaimey. It is hard losing friends, sometimes, I think it's harder than losing family...

RIP
to all of my loved ones, there are too many to list, sad... but true.

oops

it's been a while.

i've been busyish i guess lately-

"studying" for the SAT-hah-
that's going to be awful.

i REALLY hope i get into whitworth [even though i would love to be out of here!] i convinced myself that idk why i have been so set on the fact that after college i will be too old for anything.. weird i know..

anyway, i've been hanging out with pat kind of a lot lately-
he's really a great friend.

so is mallissa, i am very glad we are getting closer, i just hate that she is "exploring" christianity right now.. i don't want her to not come back.. it scares me to think about it.
so im not going to-

went to SPS [spokane poetry slam] last night-
i liked it a lot.
i don't think i could ever read my poetry to people the way they did last night, i would lack the performance and confidence in my own work.

im getting more confidence all around though-
good news.

im starting to like my journalism/news production class.

sick of being single.

i dont feel 18.

not going to homecoming-
wasn't asked-
didn't really want to be i guess..
well i did.. by this someone.. but [i knew it wouldn't] didn't happen-
so i'm babysitting instead.

i am likin the job-
spokesmanreview.com/blogs/vox

i am likin the weatha.

im getting up at nine tomorrow to work out.
yessssssssss i am!

Happy Birthday

to meeeeeeeeeee
:D

18!

not to you.

four missed calls:
-Dan
-Cassie
-Mallissa
-Drake

I want to hang out with Dan, a lot actually, but I know I won't be able to.. I should just call him anyway..

Cassie.. Well.. I know I just won't have a good time. I might as well sit at home doing nothing.. that way I'm not putting myself somewhere I know I shouldn't be.

I called Mallissa back.. idk why I hesitated to.. no answer though.. she's probably already out.

I called Drake back also.. even though after thinking about it I knew he was just calling to see if I would be at the Bright Eyes show.. nope.. the yougin ditched me.. again.. anyway, when I called shocker.. that was it.. but he's not going anymore either.. and that was all he wanted.

He still likes Karin

Honestly-I really think I was just falling for him because he is a good christian boy.. and I could use one of those :D

Last night.. I went to applebees after FUEL w/Pat, Drake, Keith, and Josh.. Nate was working, he came and sat down [by me :]lol] to talk to us for a bit.. he was just getting off.. we had some good laughs there.. I laugh a lot when I'm w/them.

Then.. we [Pat, Keither, and myself] went to Nate's house and "played" "" as in I watched.. Halo3 [we had game fuel n all hah] but I wore a headset :D and then.. I fell asleep.. wearing the headset lol anyway, I think we were there til like ONE! crazy I know.. but it's not my fault! I fell asleep! lol whatev, at least it is like .7 minutes from my house.

I had a good night.
I felt good.
I smiled a lot.
I laughed a lot.

And tonight.. I sit at home.
Waiting for a real phone call maybe.
Maybe someday someone will just show up.
Meanwhile.. I will be here.. washing the keyboard w/my fingers.. listening to the same old Joshua Radin-the love of my music life :D

monitone

i could stare into our cupboard for an hour before i realize that im lookin at food.

cereal[killer]

no clean bowls
of course

i leave te bag out

i would let the milk spoil too
but its a full gallon..
and im a money saver

except
i like to dine out

first weekend since school started

fridaynight.hang with the fam

better than saturdaynight

do homework and hang with the cats.

way to stay hip les