one by one

i stood in the shower for an extra 2.7 minutes-
staring at the left over water drip.
catching each one in my right hand.
small-small-big-small-small-big-small-big-small-big-big-big-big...
my eyes sting from letting the shampoo stream down my forehead and right into them. i used an exfoliator on my entire body-now im soft
i have nothing to wear today-i think ill stay in my towel until work-
that might not go over well at school though.
test today.
im bored.
in a house too big to be alone in.

again

getting the hopes up-needs to stop.

happy time

i love being happy.
and i love God.
and my friends.
and my family.
went to youth group tonight-applebees after-actually held conversations-smiled-laughed-made eye contact-had myself some fun.
i hope i have fun this weekend!!!!
fun fun happy happy joy joy-no depression here :]


this is dedicated to my dear friend bryan-i <3 youuuuuu

im tired but tired like sick and tired
sooo sick and tired
sick and tired of myself

tired like exhausted with myself



"You once bought me a ring on a bridge
You once told me that I was pretty
You once made me worry
And you once made me nervous
But you always made me smile

The smile that still shows up when I think of when we were together
The smile that shows all of my imperfect teeth
That brings back memories
From the night we first kissed
To each night that you’ve been missed"

this makes me smile
and then cry.

i want you around

i write best if it's about someone.
but if there is no one in my life-i cant write.

how can i get any rest now?

as i was at work-doing cakes-i thought about a lot of random things

i love that my family sees me as the creative one-the one with the imagination.

sometimes i feel like i have lost that completely-maybe it was God and i was walking in the wrong direction..but it was something i loved-i loved writing-drawing-dreaming-maybe its work that has pulled me away-i would hate to be that person-who lets work control their life-expecially at 17. the only dreaming i have been having are my day dream nightmares-instead of hearing construction behind my house-houses being built-a hammer being worked-i see someone getting shot-over and over-have i let the devil in? demons?-i would especially hate to be that person.

on a good note: i have been smiling more-trying it out.-im thinking about asking my parents to let me start taking antidepressants. i love being happy-i really do-but its like no one believes me. i want to be happier more often-i should be.

"if i find my way, how much will i find?"

story of my life (kind of)

sunday was a looooooooong night/morning.

dont worry-i def. stayed strong-and very proud of it.

there was a LOT of drama-i guess thats what you get when you put eight girls in a house together-its bad enough.. there are some things that shouldnt be mixed with that.

i sat on the couch most of the night/morning and watched movie after movie as i listened to girls in the next room screaming at eachother and then 3.7 min later laughing.

i might like this new boy.. but im not sure if he likes me-he thinks im cute though hah-i just dont want to get my hopes up about another guy.

chris said i was cute too.. like all night (monday), he makes me feel pretty :D

i work 6/7 days this week-wowza. hopefully it will make up for me going home early all the time.

Sun:9-4
Mon:5-cl
Tues:5-cl
Wed:12-5
Thurs:4-cl
Sat:3-cl

sweeeeeeeeet.

im taking bre out to lunch soon, and lindsey and i (and possibly chris) are all going to dinner (hopefully soon) i miss lindsey muchos.

i talked to jacob on sunday night.. we talked about when we broke up-it breaks my heart everytime i think about it-i dont think i can move on until i get a bf who was good as he was. whenever we talk about it and i say sorry or something he tells me he's over it-makes sense-its been a long time-but how is he over and and im not fully? im the one who ended it-i wonder if i hadnt-and he had-if it would be easier on me..probably.

ughhhhhhh
school today-math-did the homework this morning in my daily routine-
wake up at 930
do homework
eat something
take a shower
get dressed
do the hair/makeup
stall
school
work
home
eat sometimes
stall
sleep...

excitingggggggg

another thing (or two)

i am getting over brian very quickly-in fact-i dont like him hah

and i am very glad that he got 2 new jobs the day after he was fired-yay for him.

fri&sat

friday was actually a really good day.

went to math-same old i guess

went to youth group-i love those kids. three of the jr high boys did worship they did incredibly well. i was very hyper and dancing with some of my girls :D

the discussion was about Saul-i hear the same message twice a week hah-i really dont mind it so much though.

hung out with someone i usually dont with afterwards-she was sitting by herself-im glad that the kids dont give me "the look" when i come over-the scrunched eyebrows-the eye rolling-they smile-ask whats up-tell me im weird-joke with me-tell me about school-and their family-its harder to fit in with jr highers than you would expect.

anyway, afterward i went to the service station to watch zach play some jazz, it was nice, i got some reading in and had a small opportunity to socialize.

after the service station cas zach and i went to hollywood, rented dejavu-then to pita pit-saw ruthy-its been a while-havent really talked to him since freshmen (freshman?) year when i dated jordan. then went to zachs house and had a ball.

didnt get home til about 2ish-crashed.

this morning cas and i went shopping-i didnt get anything-im feeling very uncomfortable with myself again-good thing i cant vomit on cue.

went to work for 8 hours-was really not looking forward to it since the whole sarah thing.. but i ended up talking to her-idk why i couldnt really spit it out-but i did-good thing too-things are a lot better but i am still def. looking for a new job.

bre met mi padre today-i had break with both of them-it was fun-i took like 20something minuted instead of my 15 hah what are they going to do?-fire me?-please do.

id really like to work in a book store. in fact-im going to look right now for one.

im beat-im not used to closing at 11. summer is going to kill me.

i need another visit to seattle-hopefully my parents will let me go with linds-havent talked to them about it yet though.

i need some sleep

schedule for tomorrow:
>work (9-4)
>church (6-7) w/tyler?
-id like to explore churchs-even though i love mine-just for the heck of it.
>Bre's? (later)
sweet deal.

wow

got a headache right after math-actually took some meds and they didnt work.
went to pita pit-yum
then i went to work.. found out that brian got fired-absolute crap-i am very upset about it-and there are 1334562 reasons to why-messy. i feel really bad, and ill miss him muchos.

worked with linds and bre tonight, at first, as we were getting our mind off brian getting fired we were having a good time-we were laughing-but still working, things get done faster when you are having a good time-but then sarah went completely psychotic and was very upset with me for nothing.

she asked me to leave or make cakes.. made cakes til jacob came for my break (which made me happy) we sat with brian who was filling out job aps.

when i got off my break i went back to finish cakes-there was only like one more.

then returned to actual work-front was slammed but i was assigned to work in DT, so i went in there and was in the middle of making something and helping when sarah said, "hey do you want to cook or go home?" and i was like "are you kidding me?" so i left-talked to aaron in the parking lot-came home and had a bowl of cereal for dinner.
and just finished watching on the lot.

currently listening to joshua radin-he is incredible.

i miss being in a relationship. very much so.

i cut my thumb while making cakes, it bled.
i miss believing that a kiss would make it better.
is it love that cures the wound?

"i miss you more than i should, than i thought i could, i cant get my mind off of you."

blank stares

i didnt go to school today.
read a magazine for an hour instead.

went to work-we were slow-it was long.
got to see chris-he makes me happy :D

went to round table with the fam-had water

went to youth group

we sang "everlasting God"-probably the best song ever.
i love it muchos-it put me in a good mood.
i feel like i should spread my happiness that i get from God through my family-when im at home-but then i think of excuses like my family is just an argumentative family-excuses wont work. i should-but i dont.

went to applebees-had water
no one listens to me when im in a group.

this weekend isnt looking good so far.
friday-fuel-dont mind doing that actually.
i like that i can help kids grow closer with God-its a good feeling.

sat-work

sun-work, church, and bre's?

i miss grant a lot, im a really horrible friend, and if you happen to read this-i am so incredibly sorry-you have no idea.

my night has went from alright, to good, to pretty awful-im just in a really harsh mood right now, not great at all. im feeling like crap for the way that i am.. and then some..

i think i am going to start saving for a laptop instead of a new car.

always

i really miss being in a relationship-bad.
im talking to jacob about it.
well we're more talking about his situation, but it's nice to really talk to him again.
im glad he is somewhat opening up to me.
i wonder a lot if he ever reads this.
but i usually doubt it.
who knows though
who cares
well.. i do hah

the guy i like ive liked-
for a while.. but i think i like the guy he used to be.
not the drinker he has become.

i really just miss everything about having a bf, you know? the holding hands, the kisses, the smiles, so many little things, sometimes i wish i had never experienced it.

i have listened to joseph arthur's "in the sun" just about 458736 tonight.
i really miss being able to download music.

congrats to bre-getting a poem published :D
we should start a published poets club and meet and read our new poems, and give eachother advice.

i watched "on the lot" tonight
i really enjoyed it.
i love independent films

i have to go into school at 9ish to get some things figured out.
then work 12-5
wednesday days kind of suck.

i hope it storms tomorrow.
and doesnt stop all day, and all night.

"I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you"

tuesday

i feel unappreciated
all
the
time.

me at my best

i miss feeling this good.

sunshine

i hate waking up to a phone ringing, i think it automatically puts people in a bad mood.

listening to matt costa's sunshine is a nice cure though.

went to school early today to get some things done, instead i sat in our sad excuse for a library.

went to work today, was excited cause i was working with chris nad bre, a few of the tolerable people there-then i was surprised/excited when warren showed up, we talked a bit, and hugged a lot, pretty nice. ill miss him muchos this summer.

all i did at work today was make cakes, i tried to make happy ones to make up for the weather-smiley ones, flower ones, sunny ones :D

i still dont have a date to my sisters wedding-maybe ill have a boyfriend by then-hinthint brian!- or maybe ill fly solo.

i fell down a ladder after breaking one of the steps on my way up an 8 year olds tree house. kind of sucked-a lot. my stomach is now killing me.

had a nice conversation with bre about politics tonight-i didnt hate it so much that i wanted to rip my ears off-its good to hear perspectives and situations.

i am now eating celery and drinking a cup of sunny-d the only orange juice you will ever get near my mouth. i couldnt care less that it is only 5% juice.

had a discussion about sex with 2 of my friends last night. i am proud to be a virgin-definitely. im glad that i will beable to give my husband something that i hadnt given anyone else.

i miss dreaming, all i get lately are "day dream nightmares" as i call them-theyre pretty self explanitory-and i dont like writing them down because they stay in my head longer-and they arent things i want to remember.

"how happy is the blameless vestals lot? the world forgetting by the world forgot. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. each prayer accepted and each wish resigned."
alexander pope

i must say

i'm lovin the rain

sunday

went to church tonight
alone
sat
alone
but i did enjoy it.

i went to the DQ to see bre :D
then brian-"ooh lala" brian
warren didnt seem like he wanted to be around me at all..
so i left

home now, ate some dindin, delish
ready for some cookies
no milk please-sick.

i saw a garbage sack on the side of the road and had mistaken it for a person..
i hope no one mistakes me for a garbage sack..

math tomorrow-
work tomorrow-
i feel like i am living the same day over and over, nothing exciting happens, ever, yet i still get my hopes up, just to get them shot down.

anyway, goodnight

sunday

i just had an "argument"/discussion with my parents about school.. long story short- im starting a blog, enjoy